A whole year?

I've had a few people drop me emails and tell me to "keep writing"... lol. I guess I haven't posted to my blog as much lately. I intend to continue, it's just been a busy time for me. Especially now that we are again nanny-less. I don't get a lot of spare time.
I had a MUGA scan last Friday. That's to check my heart for problems that can be caused by herceptin. I left my son with his Father for a couple of hours while I went to have it done. I asked him to put up our Christmas tree because I didn't think I could manage it. We have an 8 foot tall, pretty, fake thing that came from my Father's cabin. It's heavy and tricky to put together. So I left the task to the two boys.
When I got home my son was running around excitedly putting decorations here and there; his Father was plopped in a chair - exhausted. Seriously, he looked like he was going to pass out. lol. A few hours of decorating and he looks like I do after a full day...
He was worried about the tree because my son had placed about 100 ornaments at his eye level of about 3-4 feet. He thought I might be mad about that because the tree didn't look "perfect". It made me smile. I told him "that happened last year too...to me it is perfect" and then I realized that I have been sick for an entire year.
Last year I had pneumonia at this time and entrusted the tree task to an employee. Who also was worried about the kid's eye level ornaments. Damn.. a whole year. A year of my life has been sucked up and derailed by cancer.
I often feel bad about that.. not for what I have missed out on, but what my son has missed. In the last year we made it to the park once, he didn't get to do karate or boxing or swimming like I promised. And playdates have been non-existant because of germ fears. There are so many places he wants to go and things he wants to do that I'm not quite strong enough for yet; it breaks my heart.
At my last infusion a week ago, I got some antibiotics for a sinus infection. That seems to have helped my energy level a lot. I must have been fighting an energy zapping infection. But I'm still not what I used to be... I wonder how much of it is me. By that I mean that I know I used to push myself, and do more than "normal" people. I've always been sort of crazy that way... worked 2 jobs, owned businesses, taught dance classes and gone to University all at the same time.. that sort of thing.
For me a normal day just a few years ago used to be working from 9-5 at Jungle Roses, then teaching 2 hour long dance classes and then perhaps working on my own choreography for another hour or so. I was extremely strong and could easily sustain 45 minutes of hard aerobic activity and still be able to carry on a conversation, not to mention flexibility and muscle strength. Those days are gone... I try to do a couple of moves now and then and my body backfires...
But there is a part of me that somehow even if it is irrational thinks I can do that again.. right now! It kind of makes me crazy... or well crazier..
Expecting less of myself is an interesting concept. Is it right to expect less of yourself? I have adjusted my expectations of other people, but not myself.
It brings up the whole "what's important in life..." lesson. Yes, I know that being with the people I love is the most important thing. But I also refuse to live in poverty or give up and just sit in an easy chair and tell my son to play by himself.
I've adjusted to some things though. Like right now; there is 6 inches of snow on my driveway and sidewalk. In past years I would be out there shoveling it... guess what? It ain't happenin today... lol.
But I feel like I should be out there doing it...