Incurable vs. terminal

It's true; I have not blogged in a long time. It's the result of my long recovery from the radiation. wow. About a month ago it really knocked me down. My exhaustion is intense and I continue to have jaw pain that can bring tears to my eyes. I am taking a lortab every 4 hours to calm it down. Which makes me sleepy.... and thus adds to the exhaustion. I've also lost about 20 pounds. A result of the way the radiation effected my taste; nothing tastes good anymore; just the taste of some things make me feel like vomiting... I'm not sure I will eat tuna ever again.... add the jaw pain and a slight bout with the regular old fashioned flu and it has been an easy diet to follow.

I am awaiting results from xrays taken of my jaw. One of the medications I take, Zometa; can cause a condition known as "osteonecrosis of the jaw". Scary. Makes your teeth fall out. I don't think I have it. I think I am just clenching my jaws constantly. I catch myself doing it. But so far I can't seem to stop it. I tried one of those jaw guard things... wtf? That was worse.

But if I get rid of the jaw pain and get some energy back I'll be good!

During the past couple of weeks; I asked one of my Docs to write me a letter explaining my diagnosis that I could use in negotiating some financial things. I had gotten one about a year ago from my other Doctor but it was suggested to me that I could use an updated one.

When Dr. Johnson wrote the first one a year or so ago, kind hearted that he is; he called me first and "explained" that the language he would be using would be harsh so as to make the letter most effective and not to pay to much attention to it because there was "hope" for me. Um... okay, good.

I was glad he did because his letter did hit me a little. His phrase was "treatable, but incurable". I chewed on that for a time, but it wasn't that horrible to me. I understood. Lots of things are treatable but not curable. In a short time I was over the words and on with my "cure".

Then a year later, I get Dr. Whipple's letter. No phone call came this time... no big deal. I am a veteran now; an experienced survivor. But his definition took me back. He said I was "treatable, but ultimately considered terminal". This is the first time the word "terminal" had been stated in any form to me. It took me some time to get my mind around it.

What is the difference between incurable and terminal? Is there any? I tortured myself for days over this. I read an interview between Oprah and Elizabeth Edwards where she referred to herself as both with a slash like this "incurable/terminal". Hmmmmm....

Usually you read or hear the word terminal followed by a certain amount of time to live. I have been given no such time-line. Fact is they don't know. No one knows. It could be a year or 10 years or more.... it was when I had this thought that it hit me;

We are all terminal.

None of us knows if we have a year, 10 years or more. We just don't.

Think about that; I've thought about it a lot. Somehow it helps me ignore my cancer just a little bit. It seems like my whole life revolves around cancer. I'm tired of that. I wish for a day when I don't have an appointment, conversation, errand, or anything else that has anything to do with cancer or it's effect on my life. I want my friends to talk to me about who Jenifer Aniston is dating and my family to act like they just stopped by for the hell of it...