I fell into a big bucket this time...

I haven't blogged much lately. There seems to be problems with the blog system. I've written a couple of blogs only to have them disappear into a black hole.

Things have been very interesting since I received my good news. Much like the unexpected responses I received from people around me when I was diagnosed—I received unexpected responses to the good news too. I think that until you have lived through something like this; you just have no idea what it's like. I realize that some people just got their mind wrapped around the "stage 4, she could die" reality; only to be hit with a "the cancer is dead... she's gonna live" reality.

I had good response to the medicine, and it was fast. I could tell even my oncologist was a little surprised. Happy, pleased, proud... and just a little surprised. I was surprised too. I expected good results and I knew I was responding. I expected some sort of "half-gone... it's working, a few more taxol... surgery... blah, blah, blah." The completely clean PET scan brought tears of joy to my eyes. I can understand why it might cause some disbelief and "wft?" in people who are not around day to day and perhaps don't share my belief in miracles, the power of intention and magical red twizzlers.

I had some questions from people upon hearing the good news, along the lines of "well then the original diagnosis must be wrong." Nope. No mistakes there. And a few "did I misunderstand, didn't you have..." Yes. I did. And no, you didn't misunderstand. Along with a few "well you were very determined," as if I somehow killed the cancer myself through sheer tenacity and stubbornness. There were also a few comments that left me with a feeling of "gee are they upset I had good news?" Like I had committed some crime and got off too easy... um... okay. Yes, I am lucky. I know I am lucky. I once had one of my former bosses tell me that I had the "uncanny ability to fall into a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose." Yep. That's me. Ironic I sell roses now, eh? I just wish I would quit falling into that damn bucket of shit.

Here's the thing; I feel like the big battle was won, but the war isn't exactly over. I still have cancer in my body—dead cancer. That, in time, will diminish and go away. There is still medicine to be taken and I will be on anti-cancer medications for, most likely, the rest of my life. I will still be making trips to the hospital for Herceptin, which has to be taken intravenously for months to come. I still need to have my lung fixed so the fluid stops accumulating. I still need to get my strength back. I've got a long road ahead. I've stopped the freight train that was speeding at me; now I have to continue the hike up the mountain.

And speaking of mountains; I still have that mountain of medical bills to figure out...holy crap! Chemo ain't cheap. Nearest I can tell each treatment I had was in the 12K range. PET/CT scans run about 6K, I also have had many, many x-rays, procedures... wow... it's mind boggling. The stack of bills has grown beyond control and I'm already being called by collection agencies for some of the first procedures. Yikes! And it's going to be never ending. I have 80/20 insurance. I have to start selling a lot of roses—fast.

There is still a possibility that cancer will pop up somewhere else in my body and I will be constantly monitored for just that occurrence. That is what stage 4 is; it's not curable. It's manageable. And until something comes along that is a valid "cure" I will remain stage 4—incurable. There are a lot of people out there just me like; incurable—waiting for the cure. I'm going to be happily, joyfully, gleefully and thankfully smelling like a rose while I wait.

Negative? Whachyamean negative?

I wrote this amazing blog today while I was getting chemo. I tried to add a picture and whamo... error. It would not post and it lost my entire blog somewhere.

So I'm going to do a fast update in hopes that it is found sometime soon because I know a few of you are waiting for this news.

I got the results of my CT/PET scan today. And for the first time I can even remember, someone said I was "negative." Not a word that gets used around me very often. Usually I'm the optimist or just unrealistic. Today I was "negative."

My PET scan showed nothing. It was NEGATIVE!!!! In that good way. My cancer had no response to the test. It's still there in structure, but it is not growing, not active, pretty much dead. The CT scan showed the structures there but greatly diminished.

So today was my last chemo. I no longer will have the Taxol. The Taxol is the one that causes all the side effects. So no more drop in white blood cells and high risk of infection. I can go to the dentist, maybe get that lung problem fixed, the yeast in my eyes will go away, the sore throats will go away, the aches will go away and my hair will come back. I can diet off the weight I've gained during chemo, exercise to get my strength back. TahDah!

I will continue on Herceptin for awhile and start on anti-estrogen drugs. No surgery, no radiation. Dr. Johnson wants to see how much we can shrink and sees no need for anything like that for now. If something changes and it wakes up again and gets active that may change. For now we want to see how much more we can eliminate with the drugs. I asked him if it ever goes completely away with just the drugs and he said "yes, but not very often." I told him I intend to be one of those people. He smiled and said "okay."

I asked about that word we are used to hearing, "remission," and he explained that there are two types of remission. Complete remission and partial remission. Complete remission is when there is no cancer left to see on a CT scan; like it never happened. Partial is when you have the structure there, but no activity. So I'm in partial remission. I could also tell he didn't like to use the word remission too much.

So now what I need to do is concentrate on getting the dormant cancer to leave my body. I'm not sure how that happens. The body must take the dead cancer cells away and get rid of them... I'll do whatever it takes.

And like my sister, who surprised us with a short, drive by visit the other day said, "I guess I'll be seeing you around then Lon..." Yes, you will, you most definitely will.

Happy normal 4th of July!

Hope you all had a happy 4th! We enjoyed Linda's version of my dad's famous ribs. They were awesome. Smokey played in his custom, built by Uncle Lee, top of the line, sandbox. We tried lighting some fireworks but that didn't go so well...

I haven't had much chance to blog this last week. I can't imagine how my life got so busy. Oh yeah, duh. I have cancer... or had???

Before my last chemo treatment I had a blood draw to determine CBD and also a tumor marker report. And... my tumor marker is normal. Yes, normal. Lee was with me and he said something like "wow, normal isn't a word used to describe you very often." This comment got a bigger grin from Dr. Johnson than I would have expected.

My marker came in with a score of 38. Below 40 is considered normal. Oh sure, I know you are going to ask "what did it start out at?" And guess what? I don't know. Lol. There is no beginning marker recorded in my chart at the oncologist’s office. I don't know why. Susan the nurse sort of explained that by saying that "it didn't matter much what it started at and besides it is only one of many factors they look at." But she said that a normal marker was "good" and that I may only need a couple more chemo treatments. Yahoo.

As a result of this great news Dr. Johnson scheduled me for a CT/PET scan next Thursday to see just what has occurred to this point. I get to go back for another ride in the 3.5 million dollar trailer.

I have to tell you that they were very cautious not to let my reaction to the good news get the best of me and it was down-played a lot... understandably. They don't want to get hopes up and/or make me think that it has all disappeared when there is probably still some there to worry about. But I don't care. Good news is good news.

I'm also now looking for a nanny... again. This will be nanny number 9. If anyone knows someone who might want the job... email me. I arrived at the nanny idea yet again after the demise of my cleaning girl and Linda maybe having to have surgery on her neck soon. Linda needs less to do and I already need more help—with her being out for awhile, it could get ugly. So it's easier to find a nanny to help entertain my son and do housework instead of finding someone to run the Jungle; at least I think... I've been through fewer nannies than employees over the years, so at least statistics are on my side.

We go through nannies as fast as we go through cookies because my son is such a high-energy kid. And he is always by far smarter than them... it takes a toll. I wish I could find a Lego-expert, geek that can also do the dishes and play tag. That's what I'm hoping for—someone that knows a Bionicle from a Jedi Knight, who can also load a dishwasher and run a little... that can't be that hard, right? Oh yeah, they also have to be germ free and not afraid of a woman with no hair...

Happy 4th!