If I'm not dead, then I'm still a survivor...dammit

Here I am today; trying not to think about the results of my PET/CT scan I had last Friday. If any spots light up as cancer then I'm back on chemo next week. This time exactly one year ago I was in the same circumstance; waiting for those test results. My life has come full circle.

Once again Prince Ahmed head of the Nuclear Medicine department administered my test. At least I was in the hands of the best. The test was relatively easy. It was hard not to compare it to the first time when I had to be rolled in a wheel chair to the bathroom because I coudn't walk. I proudly hiked up there myself this time. I couldn't read his face after the test and there were no clues. I won't know the results until I meet with Dr. Johnson on Friday.

I had my usual appointment with him to get my herceptin last Wednesday and I told him I still had pain in my ribs that was sort of scaring me. What could it be? What if it is cancer and I'm just sitting here not doing anything about it? So eventhough my tumor marker is normal and I haven't any other "sign"; we decided to scan. I asked him if it was cancer what would he recommend and he said "back to the taxol, it worked well for you before.." that's true. It did it's job and quickly. So I jokingly said "great another bald summer..." he laughed with me and said, "we have a lot of great medicines..... but unfortunately all of them cause hair loss". At least if it happens I'll be better prepared for it this time and Amber won't freak out finding a bag of hair in my bathroom.

He also asked for some new chest xrays. He isn't convinced it's cancer and said "it could be something else and xrays give us a different kind of view". So after my xray appointment I stopped at Corey the Chiropractor's office.

After he got over the shock of my new appearance; the gray hair throws people... I told him what was up and where it hurt. He poked around there a bit and said "oh it's one of your intestines creaping up there". He did some stuff and then asked if I felt like I was being coerced? This made me laugh because I have felt like I was being coerced by someone pretty much every day of my life that I remember... I think that is rather standard for a youngest child. But yeah, especially at that time I did feel like I was being pushed into something.

He said "that's it... it's making your digestive system push up into your ribs...so give up the feeling and it will stop". Sure enough after he completed his magical remedies which I'm sure have some big scientific sounding names that I don't remember; I stopped hurting.

I wish I could say that it stayed away forever, but it hasn't, it has returned, but not as bad. It was gone completely for a few days. And it is definitely not as bad as a month or so ago. I've been trying to work through that coerced feeling. That's tough. I still have so many times in my head when I have felt that. I'm tired of it. As of now; you are not going to get me to do something, no matter what it is.. or how you package it...or try to make it make sense to me..or try to guilt me... I'm not doing it unless I want to.

Except that chemo thing... I'll do it even if I don't want to... lol.