So I'm gonna dye my hair and get a new tattoo....

Yesterday my son came running up to me with a large red heart he had cut out of construction paper for me. He said "here Mom I made this for you." Touched, I said "oh thank you.." and then he said "it has words on it, do you want to know what they say?" "yes" I said. So he says "It says Dear Mommy, I love you and I'm very happy you are going to stay here for a long time." Stunned, I had to think for a minute. I've been very careful to make sure he did not get an idea of how serious my illness is because I didn't want him to worry about potentially losing his Mom. So I asked him very gently "were you afraid I was going to leave?" "Yes" he says, "I thought you were going to be an angel." I said, "you did?" and he replies, "yes, I did but I'm glad you are going to be here a long time". So I ask "why did you think that? was it because I was so sick?" "No" he says, "it's because you are so old."

It was hard not to laugh, but I managed to contain myself. And so I said "I'm not that old honey, I'm older than most Moms, but not that old." "Oh" he says, then asks "when are people old enough to become angels?" I think for a minute and then say "well it's different for each person, but usually people are in their 70's or 80's and that's along time away for me". He says "how long?" I say "that means you will be married and have your own kids and house and everything". This comforts him and he says "oh good, I was worried about who would take care of me, but I'm glad you going to be here a long time."

It's true I had him at an older age than most; it was just a few months shy of my 41st birthday when he was born. And for awhile it wasn't that big of a thing. Once in while someone would make a mistake and call me his GrandMa. Here in Utah people start their families very young and my high-school peers have grandchildren his age. So it's understandable. But now after my year of illness; I look 10 years older; and that "Grandma" thing happens constantly.

Like I will be paying for our groceries and the check out clerk will say "oh I bet this star wars book is for your Grandma and these sprouts are for you?" and he will roll his eyes with impatience and look at me. Sometimes I explain; lately I haven't. It gets built upon when I have to stop running and playing with him because I'm worn out.

And my hair came in almost completely white. It has amused me thus far. I wanted to see how it turned out. It has darkened up a bit, it looks much like Jay Leno's hair did couple years ago before he went nearly all white... except I'm cuter of course. But the hair does it. I look like a grandma. I didn't think much of it and was thinking of growing a little longer and just seeing how it looked. But now I'm thinking I need to look a little younger and stop the grandma assumptions a little.

I don't want to be one of those people with really obviously dark hair that doesn't match their face either. So I'm thinking of colors. My sons say purple.

A week or so ago I got my usual round of anti-cancer drugs. I'm back on herceptin and I found that after being on it for a couple weeks I started feeling much better. Dr. Johnson believes it is due to the herceptin. So I probably started spitting out cancer cells again over Valentine's Day when I was off the wonder drug. That's scary. I'm dependent on the drug that beats up my heart. I'm hoping this time I don't get the heart reaction and I can just stay on it. Or I guess if I do we take a break from it again and then hope for the best and get back on it as soon as I heal. It's a lot to think about. But the idea here was to keep me alive and comfortable until someone comes up with a cure. Please whoever you are - get to work.

I was mulling all this over as the chemo nurse was preping my port for the needle... she asked how I was? So I told her that "I got really sick off herceptin, so I guess I will be on it all my life..." She in all seriousness very kindly said "well you have a beautiful port...it's nice, it gives good blood.." it was so cute and it made us both laugh. So I said "yes, it is lovely isn't it? I think I'll start wearing off the shoulder tops now that spring is coming and really show it off.." by that time we were giggling out of control.

But then I thought of it... hey, what if I got a tattoo around my port? How cool would that be? Like it could be the center of a flower, or a moon with a fairy on top, or a Celtic circle of life.... my mind went crazy dreamingly thinking of the possiblities. But I'm not sure you can do that.. I'd hate to mess it up and then have to have surgery to put in a new one. Maybe it could be around it somehow and not right on top of it? hmmmm... I'm still thinking about it. Next time I'm a little bored in the chemo room I'm going to ask Susan the super-nurse... that should get a reaction.