My "C-word" Personality

I've been trying to figure out "why" I got cancer—I don't mean the biological how cells form reason—more the "why me?" reason. I think that is something you can't help but ask yourself when faced with something like this... what happened? Or the more expressive and accurate, WTF???? This morning I came upon this article on the web. It's me.

More than anything else I have read about the emotional or non-physical causes, this hit home. Here is a link if you are really interested, go read it.

http://www.alternative-cancer-care.com/The_Cancer_Personality.html

I would guess however, that a lot of people around me, but not necessarily around me on a daily basis would never say this fits me. People see me on the surface as the outgoing extrovert who always speaks her mind and has it all under control... ha! Fooled you all eh? Plus, I'm sure that for quite a few people it was more comfortable to believe this of me than take responsibility for their part of their relationship with me.

Honestly, I do have a ton of unresolved anger. I have complicated grief. I have repressed emotions since I can remember... that's what I was taught to do. "Keep the peace," was my mother's mantra. Don't express anger in the moment, but instead express it to everyone else around you when it feels safe to do so, is how I was taught to handle conflict. I have done that to a great extent. I have repressed anger at old boyfriends, old friends, old employees, old teachers... oh man, the list goes on and on... I have a lot of it. Sure, there were times and places where I let my temper fly and my anger show and it usually caused people to run in fear. But for the most part, it took a long time and a lot of anger built up to get me to that boiling point.

This worked all my life, until now. Until it became too much... until circumstances were so great and people I normally trusted to vent my anger to were not there for me; or worse used that against me. It all came tumbling down. My own shock and grief over the loss of my father and the disintegration of my family; add to that a grieving child, trying to run a business with problematic employees, and well... that's a lot of stress. I was pushing myself so hard, through exhaustion, pain, sickness, grief... something had to give. Unfortunately that something was my immune system. And yes, that all took place in approximately the last 2 years... sigh. Lesson learned; time for a big change.

In that same article you will notice a sidebar about traits cancer survivors share... I'm on it. Those sweeping life changes—ye, I've already been thinking about that for weeks now. I want to live and be here and raise my child... but it has to be different. I don't want to go back to my life the way it was... I want better.

I want people around me that actually like me, that may sound strange, but on some level you know the people who really like you and those that don't right? I've had a lot that didn't really like me but were here for some reason other than me. They are gone; or will be soon.

I want authenticity, not just from myself, but from people around me and I want them to support me in living an authentic life. I want people around me to tell me if they are angry at me and know that I will listen and work out whatever it is; or at least agree to disagree and feel safe doing so with me. And I want them in turn to do the same for me.

I want employees that care as much about their job as I do; whether they are personal employees or Jungle Roses employees. I no longer will accept being stolen from, lied to, insulted, or disrespected in any manner, by anyone that I employ.

I want people around me to respect how I choose to raise my son, and if they disagree with it don't try to talk me into "how it should be" or worse just try to change it on their own when I'm not looking... I'm doing what I believe is right and it's coming from my heart. That must be respected.

I want people around me who like me for the imperfect person I am; take it or leave it.

So there you have it—the new me. I guess that makes me changing from one "C-word" personality, to another type of "C-word" personality eh? I know it's sort of expected from all the movies and TV shows about people with cancer that the cancer patient is supposed to unselfishly forgive and love everyone around them with new understanding while sentimental music wafts through the room... well... I'm not following that script... lol.