Today, while I was waiting to get my follow up chest x-ray, (and btw things seem okay, a few days I should be much better) a very sweet older woman who works as a volunteer at the hospital—mostly telling people where to go for what—approaches me. She very gently says "I probably shouldn't ask you this... but are you going through chemotherapy?" I tell her it's fine to ask, and yes I am. She says "is it really that hard to lose your hair?" Ummm... now she must be at least 80, so I'm going to be nice, and I can tell that it took a lot of courage for her to approach me, so even though I really want to say "no the hair was easy... it's the cancer that's hard," I don't.
Instead I say, "Honestly it seems harder for other people to see me lose my hair than it is for me." She says, "oh," and then goes on to explain that her grandson had to have chemo and he was very, very upset when he lost his hair and she just wondered if it was really that hard. I tell her that it's probably harder for some people than others. She then says, "He was only 19 at the time and he had a really hard time with it, but the second time he had to have chemo he was 38 and it didn't seem to bother him much at all." I explain that maturity probably has a lot to do with it—at 19 your world is different than at 38. She also looks to me like she is wearing a wig of very thick black hair, when she probably is white and thin up there herself. That's ironic. Then, gratefully, I got called back out of the waiting area. She slightly tears up as she says, "thank you and good luck." Odd eh?
So I went from nearly waist length, ridiculously thick hair to near baldness in about a week and a half. Sure it was a shock that first day when handfuls came out. But I didn't cry over it. I can honestly say I don't care that much. My only regret was that I didn't just cut it all off at once into a pixie, Hallee Barry thing. That would have been easier to manage. But, I kept hearing about people who didn't lose their hair and you might not lose all of it... blah, blah, blah...
I can see now that people stare when I'm in public. I always wear a du rag or this soft hat thing when I'm out. Hey... my head gets cold. But people stare, or at least look and acknowledge in their minds that something is going on there—and then quickly look away. Some smile with a knowingness. I'm used to being stared at—although ironically, before it was because of my massive hair, boobs or height. Hey I take up space on the planet in many ways... people notice. But the stares are slightly different now. I try to smile back because I know they don't expect it. I'm that way...
I also realize that it makes it more "real" for other people. It's one thing to be told "she has cancer," it's another to see physical evidence of it. Plus, wasn't that always the dramatic moment in the cancer movies? We've all seen the scene—ohhhh, now the patient is bald, they are really sick. Cue the music and the tears... but to me it's a sign of drugs working. The chemo drugs kill rapidly growing cells. Cancer is a rapidly growing cell, so is hair. It's working.
I'm surprised at the amount time I save not having hair. It cuts at least 30 minutes off my morning routine, and I was not a high-maintenance hair type. I was just wash and wear. No blow dry, no curling iron, no straightener with lots of goop. And still that's a lot of time. I'm sort of fascinated by it. How much do those girls that get that bubble-headed hair thing going on spend? Amazing. Oh yeah sure, I get it. Hair is part of what attracts a mate, gets us good attention, good jobs, good whatever... like having a nice car or no beer gut. But really does it matter that much? In the end; we are not our hair. I'm still me.
My son had a little trouble with it at first. He didn't like to see me without a scarf on my head. He still doesn't. So I try to wear a scarf or hat all the time around him. One night while I was getting him to bed he said "Mom, when people are bald I have a hard time telling if they are a boy or a girl." So I said, "do they have boobs?" This made him laugh and he then smiled and said, "Okay that will work." Then he said, "I've never known anyone that was bald Mom." I said "hmmmm… yeah, I guess that's true we really don't have anyone around us that is bald." He says "yeah but now I do... YOU Mom!"
Last night Lee emailed me a photo of his new shaven head. He and Linda decided to go buzz cut to show their support for me. That's so truly cool. Linda let my son do hers. I will add some photos of them to this blog later. Right now my son is bugging me to use the computer.
Linda getting the buzz cut from my son. And let me tell you he doesn't take that bink out for just anything.
After
Lee. This pic worries me a little... I'm afraid it could end up on some weird dating website. I found several such photos of Nate on my computer... hmmm... he may have to retake this with a shirt on... roflmbao <- rolling on floor laughing my bald ass off Gotta love these guys don't you? Thanks.
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