What's happening to my fingernails?? Yikes!

Gee; I was so proud. Thinking I had avoided yet another chemotherapy side effect... nope. I guess I just was able to stop chemo so quickly that it hadn't had time to surface yet. Now that my finger and toe nails are growing out and the parts that had been damaged by the chemo are reaching about mid-way point.. holy crap! I lost one nail just below the half way down point... painful and frustrating. I tried nail-glueing it; that worked for a couple of days. I have been faithfully using the super nail hardener... sort of helps. But as of today I can see splits and cracks about half way down on 4 fingernails and 2 toes. wow.

I can work okay, but typing is a little sting here and there. When I work with the roses I just put floral tape on them and I can do just fine; although it looks a little funny. Bandaids fall off when they get soggy; the floral tape doesn't. But if any of my clients get a mysterious looking wad of floral tape in their box of roses...um.... it'd be from me. Just kidding... I'm really careful, that won't happen. I'm sure florists have millions of uses for floral tape, and viola' I have found a new one!

I can even see rings on my nails; like you count on a tree to determine age. One ring for each chemo treatment.

So you don't think I'm addicted to Lortab then?... Can I have some more??

Yesterday I had my what is now my every 3 weeks routine; an infusion of anti-cancer drugs. I was looking forward to talking to Dr. Johnson. For the past couple of weeks I have been in pain... a strange type of pain I haven't felt before. It would wake me at night, stop me during the day and make me really crabby. It is like a throbbing, flu type ache in my legs and sometimes my arms too. If upon waking in the morning my Lortab had worn off and I was in pain it was difficult to walk. I was baffled and frightened.

I also noticed that my Lortab didn't last as long as before. It used to be that I only had to lick a Lortab and my pain would go away... okay maybe not quite that. But a year ago 1/4 of a Lortab 10 would have me pain free. Even free of that February 13th, 4 p.m. kind of pain that only a florist knows. While I was on chemo my need jumped from that to first 1/2 and then a whole pill to rid me of the pain. Then when I was in the hospital it jumped to 2 whole pills with supplementation for breakthrough pain...

After my surgery I was on 2 Lortab 10 every 6 hours. When I tried to taper off to 1 pill every 6 hours the problem began. I figured it's been over a month since the surgery now; I should be able to do without painkillers. My rationalization was backed up by the fact that I had exhausted my perscription from Dr. Goff weeks ago. I was using some from an early prescription from another Doctor. So you see... I started to think I was a Lortab addict.

I knew it wasn't cancer pain; and it wasn't localized... wtf? I also knew I was miserable and yesterday morning at 5 a.m. I took my last Lortab on a no longer refillable prescription. Slight panic set in...okay more than slight.. kind of huge panic.. Naturally I searched the 'net for withdrawl symptoms etc. I'm starting to think I'm going down the Rush Limbaugh path....

So I ask Dr. Johnson about all this and describe my pain. He says "I think you are just trying to wean off it too fast". whew. So then I ask if I can "have another presciption?" Oh so you don't think I'm addicted? Great! Can I have some more??? Sort of funny... but I was very relieved when he said "yes". He also suggested another non-narcotic pain killer to slowly change over to that I can take for a longer period of time if necessary. And so far it's all working well.

My tumor markers remain in the normal range and the dead tumor in my breast is shrinking! And I have learned that pain killers are not such a bad thing if you use them correctly... I'm not so afraid of them anymore Ahhhh.. only 2 more hours and I can take another......

Poets

Jungle Roses often gets orders from "famous" people; actors, athletes, and the occasional rock star. We fill an unusual niche' in the marketplace.

But recently an order came through that really got my attention. We received an order from Maya Angelou. We had sent roses to her in the past from a few of our famous clients, but this was the first time she had ordered herself. She sent them to someone else notable; but the fact that she ordered herself really got me.

I gleefully mentioned it to a few people and got met with a blank stare... they could not remember who she was or why she was a big deal. I explained, "poet, author, Bill Clinton, amazing woman..." (insert the sound of crickets chirping). One of my business associates admitted to googling her to see who she was.. "oh yeah..., that's cool".. was the reply. I said, "Look even her message card is a beautiful phrase of poetry!"

I suppose maybe you have to be a bookish nerd like me and my friends to be overwhelmed by such a thing. I recall a story about someone in our circle of friends who was working at a UPS shipping facility a few years ago. She got assigned the task of packing and shipping an antique parking meter to Dr. Angelou. She was so excited that before she packed it she slipped a coin of her own in the meter so that something that was once hers would now be in Dr. Angelou's garden, or house or wherever the meter was destined for... she also had some explaining to do about why her package was "ticking" as it waited for pick up.

So I wish to give a big thank you to Dr. Angelou for making my day. There is a group of women here in Utah that you have inspired. I'm honored to have served you.

I think it's about time for another President to pick a poet Laureate. Are you listening President Elect Obama? I read that she is already writing one... but in true humble form doesn't expect to be asked. I think it would be great if she was..

Happy Halloween!

After taking my son on our version of "trick or treating" Halloween night; I took him out to dinner. We left a bowl of candy on the doorstep and slipped away at about the time the visits from neighborhood kids were winding down. My son refuses to go trick or treating in the neighborhood because he hates dogs. I think every house in our neighborhood except us has a dog that is about eye level with him and most are not all that well trained. You can be guaranteed a greeting of vicious barking in your face upon knocking on any door around here. Instead we visited a local store that offered trick or treating throughout. That was fun.

As we were eating dinner I have to admit looking at him and thinking "geez; I amost wasn't here for this Halloween... what if I'm not here for the next one?" That's truly frightening. I hope that eventually those kind of thoughts go away.. that next year I'll not even think it, and the year after that and after that... it's a sobering thought. I'm looking forward to that day when I will forget that I had cancer. I wonder if that ever happens?

For some unknown reason my son has started talking about us "becoming angels at the same time". I have no idea why he suddenly started this line of conversation. Out of the blue he started telling me and a few other people; that "Mom and I will become angels at the same time and we will go to the same place together..." Whoa. I know my being in the hospital was scary for him. He definitely associates hospital stays with death. Perhaps this is some way for him to comfort himself that he won't be here alone? I don't know, but it's hard to hear and even harder to respond to...??? I hope that goes away soon too.

On a brighter note; my public blog is getting good response. We sold our first "Pink in the Jungle" package. And I formed a "partnership" with the Huntsman Cancer Foundation. All of my profits from the Pink in the Jungle Package will go to them and will be directed to breast cancer research. They are sending me brochures I can include in the packages if I want and also letting me put their logo on our website. That's cool. I'm looking for more ways to promote it. Due to a few technical glitches I sort of missed out on the October breast cancer month blitz. Ah well.... next year we will be well positioned.

Check out the Halloween photo. Here is a first glimpse of my post-chemo hair! It's been about 3 months now I think.... it came in a lot, lot grayer and it seems to be a lot straighter too. I'm getting used to it. I still wear hats a lot because my ears get cold... and my neck. I'll be buying turtle necks and scarves this winter!

"I'm through with you Londy.."

I had my post surgery follow up with Dr. Goff on Monday. It took a lot of effort. He only takes early morning appointments. The nurses on the surgical floor gossiped to me that this was because he "was a Mormon Bishop and worked early in the morning so he could attend to church duties later.." I had to rise before the sun was up, shower, drive to the hospital, find a parking place and get an x-ray several hours before I normally rise. He wanted an x-ray right before he saw me. Okay.. the radiology department and his office are on opposite ends of the hospital... a long walk early in the morning. Great.

I got the required x-ray; no problem...and I managed to time it just right so that I arrived in Dr. Goff's waiting room moments before my appointment time. I was exhausted. Since I was driving myself I didn't take any lortab before I left, so make that exhausted, sleep deprived, hurting and somewhat impatient. After waiting for half an hour I inquired of the receptionist "how much longer?" She said it could be an hour. He hadn't returned from his hospital rounds yet and eventhough I was his first appointment that morning, two people arrived before me so she put them in exam rooms and I had to wait until they were seen. I told her I felt sick; like I may vomit and that I was afraid to re-schedule because I thought I had an infection. Her eyes got wide... "oh...." she says. I lied about the vomit part.. I was just in pain; but I have learned that vomit scares people. She offered to put me in an exam room and make me the first patient the doctor sees when he gets there. Fine.

I get in the exam room and I can overhear the doctor talking on the phone to an obviously distraught family member.... I forgave him. Gotta give him credit for talking time when he is behind and at the start of an incredibly busy day to help someone who is having a bad time. That and the dedication to his religious duties make me think the is a pretty unselfish guy. I decide to let him off easy.

I was serious about the infection thing though. One of my tube-holes is in a most unfortunate place; right where my bra sits on the side under my breast. What my sister Joan would refer to as "the pencil holder.." We once heard somewhere that the test to determine if you could go bra-less was to stick a pencil under your boob. If the pencil fell out you can go without a bra. This was so absurd to us because well.... we could put a whole office supply store under there without any droppage.

So this hole I believe, is infected. It hurts and starting the day before my appointment, was oozing crud. (Hope you are not reading this while eating lunch.) I also have tightness in my chest that is only relieved with a maximum dose of mucinex and periodic inhalation of my rescue asthma inhaler. I also from time to time nearly lose my voice or it sounds like I have a cold. The voice thing has been going on for a long time; since I started chemo. The other stuff started in the hospital.

The doc finally breezes into my room with an apology. He quickly brings my xray up and does a quick comparison with an xray taken in July. I have to admit my lungs now look amazing in comparison. Just a small spot down on the very left side that is blocked. He says by some fluid, maybe 100-200 cc's. Not much and that it may go away in time by itself. He pronounces this a huge sucess.

I tell him that I wasn't experiencing the instant relief I expected. He for the most part brushes that aside. Says that it takes awhile to "feel" like the new breathing is normal because there is soreness and it hurts, but the more active I become and the more I use the incentive spirometer the better it will get... um okay. What about the mucinex? He says just to keep taking it if I need it. What about the voice? this he doesn't know, but offers the explanation of "mucus getting stuck on my vocal cords from time to time".. yeah that could be... okay. He says to ask Dr. Johnson about it and if I can't get any resolution on it he would be happy to "refer you to a nose/throat guy who can stick a scope down there and.... " oh yuck... I'm so over "scopes". Maybe once I get breathing easier whatever is bugging me there will get coughed up or resolve itself. He concurs.

He then looks at the holes in my side; apologizes for the unfortunate placement of the one. He thinks if the gets the stiches out of them they will be fine. He pulls them, bandages me up and says "I think I'm through with you Londy. There's no reason for me to have to see you again."

So at this point in my life I have graduated pulmonology. I hope I never have to come back.

It's been a couple of days since that appointment and he was right. Things are healing better without the stiches. I still need the mucinex and from time to time my voice gets gravely. But I'm now up to between 2500 and 3000 on the spirometer. A huge gain from 1500 pre-surgery. And yesterday I actually made it all the way through a shopping trip at the grocery store. That's new. Before I had to send the nanny and my son while I waited in the car because I would get about 1/3 of the way through and nearly collapse. Yesterday I walked all the way through the store, shopped and loaded the car and I could breathe without huffing and puffing. Awesome!

As for what's bugging my lungs? I don't know. Corey the chiropractor says "fungus" and prescribed an immune building formula. I'm taking it. The Native American medicine man said I need "mare's milk". What? huh? you mean milk from a horse? yep that is what he means. I haven't taken that too seriously because of the yuck factor and a few other reasons. But Linda did. She has been visiting horse farms in the area in seach of a nursing horse that wouldn't mind giving me some milk. Linda is just cool like that. Imagine having the balls to stop at a strange horse farm, walk in, tell this story and ask if they have any milk? Only Linda can do that. BTW horse farms here are a huge zillion dollar business. So these aren't just little nearby farms she is visiting. These are huge operations. I've decided that if she really gets some I will only drink it after I see her do it and she is carefully observed for several days and we get a full medical history of the donating horse... lol.

20 days... shouldn't I be better now?

It's now been about 20 days since my surgery. Not the instant relief I expected. I still feel like I am working very hard to breathe. I'm not sure why. I know there is progress. When I first went to respitory therapy before my surgery they said I was operating at 63% of my lung capacity. They showed me where this was on the "incentive spirometer". It was a mark of 1500 upon inhaling. I can now on occasion get it up to almost 2500, but it's hard work and everything has to be just right. Dr. Goff told me that I could be "doing aerobics the day I was released"...ummmm not exactly.. lol. I have my follow up appointment with him next Monday.
I have days where I feel really good and then my ambition gets the better of me and I fly around working like crazy.. only to wake up the next day exhausted and hurting all over. I think that is partly the painkillers; they make you feel better than you are and then it is easy to do stupid things.
I feel bad that Dr. Goff told Lee and Linda that I might only have a "couple of years"... oh man. That was right after surgery and he thought my scar tissue was some sort of cancer. He proclaimed to have "gotten most of it; and may have given her a couple of years..." He was positive it was cancer and had all sorts of hows and whys for them. They went through a weekend of hell. I had no idea. I can see though that this type of thing will could possibly come up in the future; any time I have a spot or bump or pimple... the first conclusion a doctor will come to is "cancer". I'm going to have to be tough to face that and fight for proper treatments etc. I'm rather peeved at all the times they tapped the fluid and didn't test it because "we have to assume that it is...".. it wasn't.

Our Day

My son thinks it is time for me to update my blog and tell everyone how I am doing now that I'm home from the hospital.

First, he wants me to tell you about our wonderful nanny. She would like a new boyfriend. He must be tall, dark and handsome, with qualities like Prince William. I told him I wanted a new boyfriend too and he replied, "that's what you have me for Mom, I'm your boyfriend." So true; but if the universe wants to send a new tall, dark and handsome prince my way, that'd be okay.

Today was back to business. Thanks to Linda and my son's help we got Jungle Roses orders out without to much difficulty. I'm looking forward to the fall season and planning our holiday offerings. I'm also working on my "Pink in the Jungle" package with profits going to the Huntsman Cancer Center and am hoping to launch it within the next couple of weeks for breast cancer awareness month.

My son thinks everyone is updated now... lol. He wants to work on his science projects. I bought him a polymer lab from the discovery website. He mixed slime yesterday and today he wants to mix "goo." This should be fun. I love doing home school with him. It's amazing how much "school" can be fit into ordinary activities.